[Adoption Story] Joy & Myah

In a story of love, loss, and letting go, Joy and Myah explore their experiences with adoption and their evolving relationship as mother and daughter. Joy candidly shares the rollercoaster ride of emotions through unexplained infertility and the new path to growing her family. Myah reflects on her complex feelings about her biological family and her quest for belonging. Together they express that every challenge has been worth it to bring them to where they are today.

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Don’t miss Joy & Amado’s marriage story episode!

See full transcript below

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produced by Zach Van Dyke

transcription by Ryan Van Dyke

In the very early days after Myah’s arrival, new parents Joy & Amado stepped into a mall photo booth to get a quick family photo to send to loved ones. In their excitement, they missed the part where you choose the theme that would print on your photo!

Joy & Myah Lobatos

David: Welcome to With U podcast. I'm David. 

Tara: And I'm Tara, and we explore relationships and life transitions. 

David: We are in our adoption series and we have a mother daughter combination that are talking about their expertise in the adoption process. 

Tara: Right. So we're going to hear the story from Joy and her daughter Myah. Myah is 22. 

David: And Joy's a little bit older. 

Tara: And Joy was in a previous episode in the marriage series with her husband. So you can go back and listen to that if you'd like the beginning of the story. And we're really excited to hear their story of becoming parents and more from Myah as well. 

Insert Music

David: Well, we're excited to have Joy and Myah here today. Joy's a colleague of mine, Myah's her daughter, and they're going to talk to us about their adoption journey. 

Tara: Yeah, we can't wait. We've already talked to Joy and Amado once on the podcast, and so we get to hear more of their family story. 

David: She agreed to come back. 

Tara: Got you once. Now we got you twice. And we, we were eager to hear more of the story and how, how Myah joined your family.

So I think we're going to start, so we're, we're delving into the whole idea of adoption and I'm, I'm very touched by adoption in my own family because I have siblings who were adopted, and there's so many interesting stories and, and so much love that's involved that we want to hear lots of different journeys and we're really excited to hear perspectives from a parent and a child and how that looks and what comes into it. And so I, I think we'd like to start with just introducing you and then we'll kind of go into your story. So why don't you both just introduce yourselves and a little bit about who you are and then we'll go from there. 

Myah: I'm Myah, I'm Myah Lobatos, I'm the daughter I am about to turn 22 this year. I'm just really interested in anything creative. I've always been a musician. I always love to just like do things with my hands. I've always had a big heart and just been very independent. So, you know, they've had a handful, but... 

David: You know what? My, all children are that way. 

Myah: A lot. Yeah. There's a lot going on. It makes life more interesting, you know? So. 

David: That's right. 

Tara: That's true. 

David: And Joy? 

Joy: I'm Joy Lobatos. My husband and I have been married for 29 years, and didn't ever think this was going to be our journey originally. And so it's, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions up and down, but it's so easy to see God's hand all along the way. And so, excited to, to share the really great things that he's done in our lives and through the people that he's placed in our lives. 

Tara: Awesome. Well, we're going to, why don't we start at the beginning? So we, for people who want to know if they haven't heard the original origin story of Joy and Amado getting together, that story is on the podcast. So we're going beyond that now and, and you guys starting your family. So tell us kind of how that went and how that started. 

Joy: The very first memory that I really have of picturing myself as a parent was when I was in high school, and I was taking this child development class and it was towards the end of my senior year and we got to try on an empathy belly.

Tara: Oh yeah. 

Joy: And I, I remember putting it on and then they had a whole shirt that you put over it and everything so you really couldn't tell, and I remember looking at myself in the mirror and just thinking, "oh, I can't wait for that to be real someday." So, um, that was the expectation of what life would look like going forward.

Amado and I waited for a couple of years after we got married. I was 22 when we got married, so I was, you know, up for waiting a little bit before we wanted to try, but once we felt settled and everything, then, you know, we started to try, and it just never happened. No explanations, medically, just a lot of heartache. Because it affects every part of your life, right? How you interact with other people who are going through those experiences and your own relationship and how you navigate that and just yourself, your own thoughts and wishes and super challenging. So, and being in ministry, I feel like added another layer to that challenge. You know, feeling like you, you kind of followed God's design for marriage and sexual purity and all of that, and then the kids thing to not happen feels like, wait... it doesn't feel fair. And being in ministry also was challenging in that you're kind of in a fishbowl. Lots of people have thoughts and opinions, some really not... 

David: Trying to be helpful, right?

Joy: Yes. Yes. But often not, and often really discouraging. I know over the years, I can't even tell you the number of business cards people would give me for infertility specialists. Just walk up to me and like unsolicited, giving me all this information. 

Tara: That's a little personal. 

Joy: I once had people walk up to me at church that I did not know, and they grabbed my belly to start praying for me to get pregnant.

Nope, that's not okay. 

David: That's not okay. So on the "do it, don't do it?" You're saying probably not to do that. 

Joy: Don't touch people unsolicited. It's really not a good, not a good thing. But there's like the whole spiritual component too, that I felt like people were kind of projecting on us, like, well, "God must be punishing you for something, and that's why none of this is working out." Or that there was something wrong with my spiritual life, and so, like, none of that is true. 

David: Right. 

Joy: And so, just feeling like you have to combat all of those things on top of the heartache that exists is really difficult. So we ended up, when we moved out to Wyoming to do a church plant out there, we had some dear, dear friends that we had gone to Moody with that had been through very similar experiences. He's hispanic. She's caucasian. So some of the different intercultural things that we dealt with were similar. And they also had been dealing with unexplained infertility, and they ended up adopting twin two year old girls, and I remember them coming and staying at our house and bringing the girls with them, and so that was just a really great exposure to a different option and seeing them take on that role and that responsibility, and it gave us, I think, hope and encouragement to maybe pursue that as an option for us. I was on board more quickly than a model for sure. He was more hesitant. He was just still really struggling, feeling like, it's, but... 

David: Well, there's a, there's a grief in terms of narrative, that like the story we tell about ourselves or the story that we kind of anticipate and when it deviates from that, it's not that there's not good things coming. It's just that that story kind of ends and there's a grieving of that trajectory, and it's hard to see anything else sometimes before you work through that. 

Joy: Yeah. And I feel like we were so busy with ministry stuff we didn't have a lot of space to grieve and like, so I think that probably prolonged how difficult things were because we just kept moving on doing all the things that you have to do and not really facing it head on. So that probably wasn't healthy. 

David: So Amado caught up to you. 

Joy: He did. 

David: Okay.

Joy: He did. And then after our friends had been over we thought, you know, we could do this. Because another big component to adoption is the cost, you know, it can be very expensive and we were church planting, so we had, you know, we were living on support to begin with. And so that's just really tricky. We decided we would look into a special needs adoption. Primarily with sibling groups was our original plan. Like let's just adopt, you know, a sibling group. They're harder to place because, you know, obviously you want them to stay together, but not everybody's equipped to do that. But we were kind of a perfect scenario for that. So we filled out all our paperwork with Wyoming Children's Society and did all the things. We finished our paperwork in, I think, early April, and within a couple, I always feel like I have to preface, like this is not normal. Don't expect, like if you're in this journey, don't expect that this is automatically the way it's going to go. But within a couple of weeks, we got a call from them that they had shown our file to a person, to a, a woman who was expecting that was exploring adoption and she had picked us. And so, I mean, we got all our paperwork in, in April, and Myah was in our house in June, and that is like, 

David: Yeah, that's not normal.

Joy: Crazy fast. So, 

David: There was a plan. Myah had chosen you from in utero. 

Joy: Yeah. So, so her birth mom, her name is Veronica. She's a beautiful person. She was, she had some substance abuse struggles and was receiving help for that when she became pregnant. And so she was working through the place where she was, where she was receiving treatment and then also with the adoption agency, and she had a counselor there with her all the time from the facility and

we got to talk to her on the phone once before Myah was born and, um. I don't know if I'll be able to get through it. 

Tara: That's okay. It's a lot of emotions. 

Joy: It's so, yeah. I do really good most of the time, but sometimes it pops up, so. She had been, you know, it's so awkward, right? Like, what do you say to somebody that's thinking about giving you their baby? Like, it's just not a natural situation. And she said, "have you guys thought of any names?" And we had struggled to come up with a boy's name that we liked, both of us, but we really... and Amado said on the phone, "but if it's a girl, we really love the name Myah." And she starts screaming, "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh," on the other end. And I'm like, 

David: A good screaming or a bad screaming?

Joy: We didn't know. 

Myah: The nurse was running. Like, "are you okay?" They didn't, they didn't know what was happening either. 

Joy: Yeah, I didn't, we weren't sure if like, did we say something wrong? Like, you know, you're just on edge. But Veronica said that that morning she was trying to think of what she would want to name the baby if she had been given the opportunity to.

And that morning she had a marker sitting on her nightstand and she wrote the name Myah. 

Tara: Wow.

Joy: So she wrote the name Myah on her arm. And everybody was just like super taken back because, at least at the time, it was not a super common name, and the fact that we both came up with it independently was just I feel like God's gift to all of us to know that this was his plan. So when things were hard down the line, we could all look back at that and know that, that he was in it from the start, and been really grateful for that. So, so we ended, had a great conversation, and then she went into labor not long after that. And we lived four hours away from where she was. And so we didn't get to meet her in person until she was in labor. So we, but we had to drive four hours to get to her. And so we drove to Rock Springs, Wyoming, which, 

David: Rock Springs... 

Joy: Yeah, is really in the middle of nowhere. And we met Veronica about 10 minutes before Myah was born. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy standing there talking to her in person, and she was so amazing to have the, just the willingness to even meet us at that moment,

Tara: Yes, wow.

Joy: I mean, blows my mind. So we talked with her for a few minutes, and then we left. And then we sat in the waiting room and waited, and her counselor from the facility was there with her, and Veronica had two other children previous to that. And so they were with her family, but she wanted something different for Myah. And so, you know, after she was born, you know, we got to see her. We got to hold her. We all spent the evening together that evening at the hospital, and we thought everything was good. And then the next morning, we got a call from our caseworker at the adoption agency, and she said, "things aren't looking very good."

So, Veronica had spent the whole night holding her, and, naturally was struggling. I wouldn't expect anything else, you know. And so we ended up just driving around Rock Springs, which there's not much, up and down the same road for the entire morning just praying, calling a bunch of friends. You know, obviously, we wanted Veronica to make the choice that was the best choice for her and the best choice for Myah, and we hoped we would get to be involved, but at that point, we didn't really know. And so, I remember her counselor saying, "why don't you give us a call at noon, and then we'll, we'll see where things stand?" And so at noon, we drove back to the hospital parking lot, and we sat there. And we called and her caseworker said, yeah, she's ready to see you guys again. And why don't you bring, bring her clothes. So we did that, and I think the hardest thing I've ever done is stand in that room and have her place Myah in my arms, just knowing the grief that she was experiencing and would continue to experience. It just broke my heart for her because I, I knew how sad I was to not be a mom. And I just thought it's going to be devastating for her, like this journey, it's such a selfless choice, and I love her dearly.And I'm so thankful for her and for the communication we've continued to have over the years and staying in touch and she has always, in our interactions, she's always looking out for Myah and wanting to make sure that whatever's going on is, is best for Myah. And I'm just I'm amazed by her. I really am 

Myah: Never over promises anything. 

Joy: Yeah, she's, she's a beautiful person. So, so we did keep in touch and we did, you know, that was one of the things she was struggling with, with the, was the idea of not seeing her, not having pictures or whatever. And we told her, of course, we'll do that. We'll do whatever you want. Like, because I wanted it to not be a bad experience for her too. And so we learned later that she thought we were just saying that. She didn't think we would actually follow through. And so when we did, she was kind of taken back by it, that we really do care about her very much, and we weren't just saying that. And she will always be part of our lives, for sure. So it's been, it's been hard, the grief of, because it's all mixed together, right, like I didn't, I didn't get to carry a baby, and so I have that loss of knowing all of those things, what it feels like, what our baby would look like, all those losses that you experience. But I have something that most people don't get to experience, you know, and standing there and having somebody place this child with me. It's stunning, and I'm, I'm just. I'm thankful. Despite it being hard, I'm thankful. Yeah, it's, it's, it's a mess of a journey, but it is worth it. And so, so good. And it continues. I mean, it doesn't end there, right? 

Tara: No. 

Joy: It goes on. 

Tara: Well, we're just kind of at the beginning of the story. 

David: This is just the origin story. 

Myah: Yeah. I keep learning. 

David: I think it's important to think about and for people to think about, you know, holding two different things where there's joy and grief, and it's kind of mixed together. Your own, others', all of that. And how do you make sense of it and how do you not let it intrude in the, the good and difficult times of parenting. 

Tara: Right. And for Myah as well. And, and that's where, you know, you're, you're in the story now you've been born.

And you've, you've helped make your mom's dreams come true, but there's also a mix of a lot of stuff for you in all of that too. So we just, we want to hear you tell what your life was like growing up, but also maybe when you first were aware that you were of the adoption story and how you came to be in your mom and dad's lives.

Myah: Yeah. I guess I'm, I'm very grateful for how I was raised and everything, the good, the bad, every fight that we had, every misunderstanding that I had with them, I understand now, you know, and I know that they don't hold that against me either, and that they understand things that they didn't know about me, you know. I, I grew up like always just knowing about like being adopted. Like, I don't think there was any certain point where, you know, it just kind of hit me. Especially since I feel like I've been very conscious from a young age. Like, I, I remember, like, you know, I don't know if it's just from a picture, but I have a very, like, photogenic memory. So, like, even seeing pictures can trigger memories. Like, I remember being bathed in the sink and bringing tissues to my mom when I was, like, two, three years old because she was crying. And I didn't like that. It made me panic, you know? Like, and I would cook for them, like, one, I think, Saturday morning, I was three years old, I cooked eggs and onions and stuff, like, I used knives, I'd turn on the stove. I just wanted to make them breakfast in bed, you know, like, wanted to thank them, and, you know. I was just very independent, and like, as I think about it, I feel like, you know, I owed them, you know? They didn't have to do this, and like, they didn't know, like, what they were getting themselves into is what I always told myself, you know. And that's like the worst way to think about it, you know, and that really messed up me and my mom's relationship for a long time too and it's just like, you know, I didn't understand that their love was unconditional for the longest time until really, like the past two to three years. So, but like, and I think just getting closer to my mom and getting closure from, you know, my birth mom, Veronica, like over the summer, that was also a crazy story. Like, this is just really put me in a good spot moving forward where, you know, it's just figuring it out from here, honestly, from where I want to go, because I think a lot of people also have expectations of me. And each family, so that's hard. 

David: Myah, getting back to kind of that kind of negative, kind of the way you said it wasn't best to think about that. I think about maybe there's kids that are listening that are, have been adopted. What, what was difficult about thinking that way that kind of affected your relationship in a, in a struggle way and then in a good way with your mom? 

Myah: Well, it felt like I would morph to things like I didn't know what I really liked, you know I didn't feel like I fit in, really, necessarily with her side of the family because they were more like computer, you know, gaming type things. And I like that, but I also like to go outside and play sports, which is like my dad, Amado's family, you know, but then they were too rough with me and I was too sensitive, you know, so Anthony's side and then, you know, sometimes they're not enough and then like, you know, I go to Veronica's side and they're just so cold. Like, it's just like, 

David: So there was really a, where do I fit? Like little parts of me are everywhere. But where's...

Myah: It feels like the four corners, I don't know if you know that, that monument? Like you're just on your hands and knees and like, you know. I kind of, I like everyone, but I'm always missing something like something or someone, if I go too much into that or everything. So like, it's just, it was hard because I think I was actually mad at myself for a long time, just because I didn't understand, like, and I just took that out on everything around me and, you know, I always, like I was taught to, you know, just keep a positive attitude and everything. And I think that's why it came out more at home, you know, like when I would just, that's my safe space, you know? And like, so like getting back to like my mom's and my strenuous relationship for a while, I think I just really didn't understand her and I didn't understand that, like, they did this because they loved me and like, they wanted the best for me. I always saw like my siblings growing up together and like, didn't see the fact that they were living with my biological grandparents and that my mom was still using up until five months ago and stuff like that, you know. And I just didn't see those things, and I just was like, I just wanted siblings. Like I wanted like, some, like a family that I didn't feel like I owed, you know. And, and that was, that was really hard, you know, that was so hard, but , you know? 

David: Yeah, no, I think, I think you're making complete sense of that. 

Tara: Yeah. And let me explain just for the, the Four Corners thing. I know what you're talking about. Because it's where four states come together in the United States that there's, it's Arizona, Colorado, Utah. And... 

Myah: It's Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, and Utah. 

Tara: There you go. Yeah. So there's a spot where they come together, and so you can, and there's a little monument where you can actually put, you know, a hand... 

Myah: You can be in four states at the same time. 

Tara: Yeah, at one time. So, I like that illustration of feeling like, you know, "I, I don't completely belong in any one of these," and you're figuring out that identity, like, "which one is most me, and by jumping all the way into one, I lose something from the other one."

Myah: Exactly, yeah. 

Tara: Yeah, so I understand, it's a lot of things going on. And at the age where we all struggle with identity, everybody struggles with "who am I, where do I belong?" But you had a lot of extra factors to add into that. 

Myah: And trying not to disappoint people, you know, like, you know, I just felt like I had this big story. My dad always told me like, "God's gonna do something with you one day." And that scared me, you know, like, I was like, oh, I gotta be on my best behavior." Like, you know, so... 

David: And, but that, that where, where do I fit and seeing the siblings and seeing them living a different life, but not being able to see the day to day part of that of sometimes the fantasy is better than, than the reality. And I could imagine going, Oh, I kind of want that. 

Myah: Exactly. Yeah. And that's kind of, so I guess, so when I turned 18 I didn't really like, it was like, COVID was my senior year and everything. So, you know, jobs weren't the same. And so I had graduated. I had just started working at Chipotle. And like one day I was like, I basically up and left Illinois. I was like, "I'm moving to Wyoming. I'm getting to know like my birth dad and like five, six of my siblings." Like, I was just angry. I wasn't angry at my parents, but I was angry at the world. I was angry at just everything around me and I just needed to get out. And my birth dad, always made a lot of promises and could never keep them and would try to do things to make up for them. Like, you know, talked to me nicer, buy me, he bought me like a 500 dollar swinging chair out of the blue because I looked at it at a store, you know. So but it just it wasn't enough. But Veronica, I, he, she never really wished me happy birthday, she never really went out of her way, but she knew she couldn't so she didn't, you know. She knew she wasn't in a good spot. So I had like grown up like hating Veronica, but like loving her deep down inside and not knowing why, but loving Anthony and hating him for some reason and not knowing why. And like this, this second trip that I had this past June that I'll talk about really cleared that up for me. When I was 18 I moved out to Wyoming to go live with him. That was the intention, but out of nowhere they had gotten COVID. There's like seven of them in the house, so. They had been communicating with Joy, my mom, and like, yeah, now Trenton has it, you know, now Xavier has it, oh, sorry, we were doing this, and like, seven weeks go by. Like the months and months just keep, and it's just, there's no full answer. And it just, like, I just, at that point I was already living on my own, you know, had my own place with a, with a guy that I had met at the time and I was just, you know, I guess starting my life up in Wyoming. And, you know, that was definitely a big experience, but I got very let down. I felt like, "why?" You know, like, I grew up in a pastor's family, like, if anything, like, you know, I just want to like know my siblings and what frustrated me like the most about that was because Anthony has been like been through the same exact thing. He didn't know his father until about like six or seven years ago. And I was looking through some old texts with him this morning just to see, you know, like where our relationship was at because I've cut him off at this point. He's just not the person for me, but he had told me that his depression stemmed from obviously drug use and just loneliness of growing up as an only child and wanting, wanting to be a part of a family. And, you know, like it's just crazy because like him and I deal with it in such different ways, you know. Like, so this June I had kind of done, I had done the same thing almost, but I, you know, I didn't want to move down there, but I was definitely struggling with watching my siblings grow up, you know, there's 15 to 10 year old, you know, right now, or 18 to 10 year old over, over there. So it's hard. Because I was just struggling mentally and I wanted to get some more insight, because we, we worked the same mentally for the most part. So he bought me a ticket for like two days from then, you know, like, "oh, you can always stay with me, stay with me as long as you want. We can get you a job." Promised all these things. So I went up there that Tuesday, and that was probably one of the most traumatic months of my life, honestly, and, but a lot, a lot was brought to light, like, everything worked out just how it should have, but it was definitely, definitely hard. So, I had, sorry. Right when I got there, my siblings, like, took me in immediately, like, I think that was the first unconditional love that I ever accepted. Which has helped me unconditionally love my parents and not feel like it's like an old love that's unconditional. But they took me in immediately, you know. So I spent most of the time with my siblings. 

David: Yeah, so you're there, you're there in this chaos that's going on, 

Myah: Yeah. 

David: And going, "I kind of wanted this, but I don't." Joy, while all that's happening, how are, how are things for you as you, you know, think I have raised, raised Myah. She's exploring kind of the other side of the family. How, how do you live in that space? 

Joy: It's challenging. For sure. Cry a lot when she left. Yeah, super hard. I just fear, you know, fear of the things that we knew she would be exposed to. Fear for the things we didn't know that might come her way. We've always known that this was a journey she was going to need to take. She's been fiercely independent since she was born. 

Tara: Working with knives at age three, that sounds like she... 

Joy: Oh my gosh, yeah. Scared us a little that morning. Amado and I looked at each other like, oh dear. 

Myah: Everything was on. 

Joy: She's had the gas stove on. 

David: I love how, when you introduced yourself, Myah, you're like, I like to work with my hands. I'd like a project. And then we hear, yeah, you're cooking at age three. That really fits with kind of your, kind of self expression. 

Myah: Yeah, that's what I love. 

Joy: So even in kindergarten, she would not let us walk her in, so she would make us wait outside. She would say, "I do it." Okay, you do it. So we knew this day was coming where she was going to need to explore all of these things and learn for herself, maybe, some of the reasons why, you know, Veronica felt like placing her with a different family was the best option for her at that point. But it's hard to watch her experience.... because we could see the hopefulness that she had, but we also knew what was probably coming on the other side of that. And it's just been really hard to watch her struggle through that, but... 

David: Yeah, how do you, how do you love and love kind of with open arms of knowing your daughter, knowing she needs to kind of do it, "I do it myself." She has to kind of learn, learn it herself. And yet, you anticipate maybe some pain. How, how do you do, how do you do that?

Joy: We pray a lot. But I do go back to that phone call and knowing that God put us all together and he didn't do that for no reason. And I go back to that moment frequently to remind myself that he is the one in control of all of this. He loves her more than I do. He's going to take care of her, and just lean into that constantly because... 

Tara: That letting go part is so hard for, for any parent to know that we want to protect our children from pain. And it's not possible and sometimes actually harmful to not let them experience life themselves, and yeah. 

Joy: It's such a catch 22 with adoption too, because I think the natural tendency, selfishly, is to be like, okay, we've got the baby. Run. You know, and not have contact. 

David: I just all of a sudden had a, had a picture in my head of you and Amado sprinting out of the hospital with a baby and orderlies chasing you. 

Tara: Have you seen the movie raising Arizona? I think we need to link to that. 

David: It's a good word picture, but so that's the, that's the impulse, but you...

Joy: It is. And our families also feel protective, and that was really challenging too was Amado and I trying to navigate how we felt God was leading us through this process and how open we should be. Because our families struggled with the idea that we were still in communication with Veronica and Anthony and just feeling like that's a really bad idea. And "why did you even tell Myah that..." 

Myah: Yeah. 

Joy: Yeah. "Why did you tell her she's adopted? Why didn't you just..." but that's not going to go well down the road when you spring it on them someday, you know, there's challenges with that. So, we tried to talk about it from an early age, but, and felt very strongly that we needed, that it would be best for Myah, even though it's hard and that it would also, in those decisions, I also was very concerned about Veronica and the promise that we made to her and what would be best for her. And so I was not gonna just cut her off. I couldn't do that to her ever. So, yeah, but it's challenging because you feel like the wounds get reopened over and over and when we would go and we would visit her, you know, it was great, but it was hard again, you know. So just being willing to ride that rollercoaster of we're going to do this and it's going to be hard and, but it'll be okay.

David: And you guys have navigated hard things. I think my, you were saying there were ups and downs and you're, you guys are in a good place. It might be helpful for everyone kind of hear from both of you. What's led. Kind of what's gotten you to the good place. What advice do you have for people to kind of inform, like, "this is the good place we're in and this is kind of what helped get there."

So maybe we'll start with Myah and we'll close with Joy. 

Myah: Well I mean, over the summer my birth dad had taken me up to Lovell to, because they both live in Wyoming, just to, just to see her on my 21st birthday and everything, and she had just gotten out of jail about, like, a month or two before that because she'd basically gotten kicked out. She has, like, a birth defect in one of her main arteries in her heart, and she was either going to just have to die in jail or get treated. So, you know, obviously she wants to get treated, but if she uses again, obviously she's gonna be sent back, and she didn't want that for herself. So, it just all worked out. We went up there randomly, and she had no one to take her to court. I had my license, it was expired at the time, but I was just like, you know what, no one else is gonna take her. Like, she's either gonna get arrested because she doesn't go to court. And then, you know, she's the boy who cried wolf.

So we had this hour long, hour to two hour long car ride over the summer that was totally unexpected. I brought her to Montana. You know, we got lunch for the first time. This was the first time I saw her sober i n so long, like I could just tell, I'm like, "wow, you really weren't sober these times that I've met you." You know, like you can just tell. And just, you know, to hear she, she, like, she didn't know if she did the right thing. She told me she didn't know if she did the right thing through it all, you know? She was like, "it was scary, and I just had to, like, you know, have my faith that Amado and Joy were who they said they were," because they never faulted in that, and no one else had really done that for her, you know? And she didn't want to mess me up anymore, and she apologized for the times she didn't say happy birthday and things like this and just explained like how she shows love because they're really not a touchy side so like just being, just taking time and like being open, and like I Immediately told like like I talked about the whole conversation to my parents, and I think we all just give each other closure, honestly. We all just kind of misunderstand each other and you know, that's okay as long as you don't jump to conclusions, and like it's okay to be hurt. But it's what you do with that afterwards, you know, like you can't deny, like, and that's what Anthony did. I had brought up afterwards. I was like, you know, this isn't okay and everything and he's like, "well, this is me, so." Like well, that's the cowardly answer, you know, so. 

Tara: Yeah, and then this is you. That's, it sounds like a really profound time, and I, like, I believe in the power of a road trip. You guys had some really concentrated time together, but how, how would you say that's helped kind of integrate your identity as, you know, coming from biologically that side, but having been raised by your parents, what are those things that you've found that have contributed to your identity from Joy and Amado that, like, that you find joy in, that makes you who you are?

Myah: Literally, the way I carry myself, like, my happiness, my joy, my peace, my love, all comes from Amado and Joy. I know that. And, like, all my, like, manners and just, like, you know, thinking of others and empathy, that all comes from them. And I think I get a lot of my style and just, like, you know, my energy and everything, one, from Amado, obviously, but...

Joy: They're two peas in a pod. 

Myah: Definitely from my birth side. They all have had blue hair at some point, they all have piercings and, like, but you know I'm, I'm glad to be in this spot because they can see that they can do both, you know. Like I consider myself Christian. I, you know, I hold myself to high standards , you know. It doesn't, it doesn't mean anything. And I, for the longest time, I thought it did, you know, cause I felt so different, and I was like, "why do I like these things?" And, you know, like, like thinking that it doesn't make me a good person, but, you know, so a lot of, a lot of double standards. 

David: Well, I, I like how you talked about the honesty, the openness. I think that's helpful for people. Because I think the, when you're having some challenges of like what parts of me come from where, or just the difficulty, and am I loved? You, you have demonstrated that you are curious, you're adventurous, you're, you're willing to take things head on. And, and you are willing to kind of retreat from a position you've taken from right? Like you take a hard position and like, "ooh, you know what? I'm going to. I'm going to say that was a mistake and I'm going to back up from it," which is, it's amazing, Myah. And I think that's something we can all learn from in having healthy relationships is that openness and feeling passionate, but also not kind of dying on that hill of being able to go, "oh, I feel this way, but I also can realize there's change, and I can do something different and move from that." That's a hard thing. So I'm just really thankful for your, your story of highlighting that. And it's, it's aspirational for me. 

Myah: Thank you. Yeah, I try to use my wise mind a lot. I really like any analogy, you know, with your rational and your emotional and just combining that and, you know, being okay with being wrong, using your wise mind, so. 

David: Love it. All right, Joy. You get the, you get the last word. 

Joy: What was the question again? 

David: Oh, I was hoping you weren't going to ask, because I... it's kind of what, having navigated really amazing times of having this lovely lady as your daughter, and now as your adult child and having a different relationship of what has helped navigate the hard times to where you're in a good space right now?

Joy: I think the loss of control. It's hard but good. 

David: Like acknowledging that you don't have any control. Is that... 

Joy: Yep. 

David: Okay. 

Joy: Yeah. Yeah. Because you know, as they're growing up, you're like, you're doing so, you're worried about every little thing. When she wasn't at home with us, you know, it was hard to... it was hard. I'm not saying it was easy, but she came through it. I didn't have to be in all the details, and she was able to do it in a way that she needed to, and to just be okay to sit with that and not feel like I needed to jump in in big ways. You know, if emergencies come up, that's different, but allowing her the space to explore those things and trust that God will take care of her through that process. I think yeah, it's, it's, it's been a gift these last, I think something really struck me I don't know, a couple months ago. I was thinking about we had made some joke about how I'm just like my dad, like my dad and I are wired so similarly, and I had never really thought about the fact that that could be hard for Myah, that she's not like intrinsically wired, like us necessarily. And so she's very musical. We are not at all. And you know, just some of those things that you like share characteristics with people that are blood related that aren't there and that that's a loss for her. And I had never really thought about that. And so just trying to like give her space to feel sad about some of those things, just like I need space to feel sad about some things. But to enjoy the good things. Because they're definitely there. We had a great time a couple of weeks ago, we went shopping together. Nobody cried. 

Myah: No tears! 

Tara: Progress. 

David: That was even better than the podcast. There's been tears on the podcast. So the shopping was better. 

Joy: Very sorry about the tears. 

David: Oh don't apologize. 

Tara: Oh, we love, we love the authenticity. 

David: And we're so thankful that you both were willing to be open and vulnerable because I think it's a model of what's really worked for both of you, and it's going to be helpful for others to try to lean into some of the lessons that maybe they can learn from you rather than making the same mistakes, right? Or making the same struggles. So we're really thankful that you kind of came and shared your story. It's encouraging. 

Tara: We are. And like Joy said, the story is not done. We look forward to witnessing your future together. You're at such a, an amazing age of like so much in front of you, Myah, and you've come so far already, just in understanding healthy relationships, and kind of moving forward and integrating your own identity. And, and you, you know, there's still, we're all still in progress, too. We're not done either. 

David: Wait, what? 

Tara: Right? So, Joy, you know, it's so cool to see you guys kind of walking through the hard stuff and being honest about it, but also we can see the love that you have for each other, and it, it's amazing. And we're so thankful that you have shared your story, and we can't wait to see good times in the future for you guys. 

Joy: Thank you. 

Myah: Thank you for having us.